Monday, June 15, 2009


I feel guilty when I feel better. People tell me I shouldn't, but I can't help it. For the past month (or more), I have been wondering if I was EVER going to feel better, happy, joyful, etc again. And over the past week or so, when I have caught glimpses of feeling better, I feel guilty about it, and go back to feeling bad again. I just feel like I have hurt him so badly that I don't deserve to be happy, that I should pay for it by feeling miserable. And seeing his facebook status that he "wants to crawl in a hole and die" certainly doesn't help. And those I haven't hurt, I've made angry. I know if a girl had done this to my brother, I would be angry at her for hurting him. And those I haven't hurt, I've disappointed. There was supposed to be a wedding on August 29. And those I haven't disppointed, I've inconvenienced. People have made plans, spent money, bought gifts, reserved dates, and on and on and on. So, I feel like since I have caused so much pain, anger, disappointment, and inconvenience, I should feel guilty and I shouldn't be happy. I've caused suffering, so I should suffer too.

I was talking to a (Christian) friend today who was asking me how I was feeling. I told her about feeling guilty for feeling better. She immediately and very confidently told me that was the devil. I was a little taken aback because her response was so sudden, but after thinking about it, I agree with her. She said that feeling guilty is from the devil, because I prayerfully made this choice and feel like it was the right thing to do, so of course, the devil is trying to make me feel bad and guilty about this decision. That's what he does, right? She went on to say that that should be more affirmation that I did the right thing, because if I had made the WRONG choice by getting married, the devil would be happy because that's what he wanted (to be out of God's will) and he wouldn't have to make me feel guilty. I can't explain it as well as she did, but it gave me a different perspective on these guilty feelings I've been having.

From the words of Jesus...."Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." Matthew 16:23

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