Cheese!!!....

...and butterbeans and potatoes, all over her sweet face! Isn't she cute?

It Happens

For those of you who are Sugarland fans, you've probably heard their latest single out on the radio, "It Happens." I have had one of those days where "it" certainly has happened. For those who haven't heard the song, here are some of the lyrics:

Missed my alarm clock ringing
Woke up, telephone screaming
Boss man singing that same old song

Rolled in late about an hour
No cup of coffee no shower
Walk of shame with two different shoes on

Now it's poor me why me oh me boring
The same old worn out blah blah story
There's no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to overthink it
Let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable indisputable fact is,
It happens

Here's how my day has gone: I was excited about getting to go into work late: I was going to sleep in, then have a relaxing morning before going to work. Woke up with a headache. Got up and took some Advil and went back to bed. Slept longer than I planned on. Walked into the bathroom to take a shower, and saw a roach on the ledge over my linen closet (we live in an old house where there are plenty of cracks and places for roaches to get in). Got the roach spray. Sprayed the roach. After it jumped off of the ledge (yes, it jumped), onto the floor, crawled back onto the wall and all the way around my bathroom, it jumped (again) into my bathtub. Luckily it landed on it's back and couldn't run away, so I sprayed it (a lot) with roach spray and smushed it with my shoe. On with my morning.

Got into the shower, turned the water on, started to wash my hair, and noticed some little black specks all over the side of the shower. Ants. Lots of little tiny ants. Apparently, they had come in through the small window over my shower. Decided I'd finish showering since I was already wet, then spray them. Apparently, if that crack in the window was big enough for ants to crawl through, it was also big enough for the spider (not a small one) to crawl through, which I saw when I turned around. I'm pretty sure I said an ugly word then. I decided to kill the spider.

I opened the shower door to grap my flip-flop. Leaned over with one hand onto my (cheap) laundry basket to steady myself while I reached to the floor to pick up the shoe. The top of the laundry basket collapsed. Arm went in, all the way to the bottom, while the corner of the basket poked me in the chest. Luckily, I caught myself with the other hand before hitting the floor face first, soaking wet, and in my birthday suit. Got the shoe, killed the spider, finished my shower, sprayed the ants, got out of the shower, and realized I was bleeding from where I cut myself shaving. Seriously?

So, I got ready in a hurry, rushed off to work, stopping by the store first to buy a box of Jello mix for a patient who didn't even show up.

Called the bug man on the way to work. He sprayed this afternoon.

It happens.

And in spite of all of this, it was a good day. Praise God. How was your day?

My Parents

I have been wanting to blog about my parents, and with Father's Day being tomorrow, I figured now would be a good time. I was planning to post a Mother's Day blog about my mama, but there were so many other (not good) things going on around that time that I never did it. So, this will be a combination for both of them.

I have the best parents ever. Period.

They have been so unbelievably supportive during this difficult time that I know I would have never made it through without them. For the past month and a half, I have not been a pleasant person to be around. Scratch that. I have been miserable to be around, and have made everyone around me miserable. But they never stopped supporting me, encouraging me, or even wanting to be around me. I don't know why they do these things, but my mama keeps saying that I'll understand one day when I have children.

When I first told them that I was having thoughts about breaking the engagement, they told me they would support me 110% in whatever I decided to do. If I wanted to call off the wedding, they would be behind me all the way. If I decided to go through with it, they would also be behind me all the way. What?? After all the money they had already spent on the wedding, they would be ok with, and even support me calling it off? And with the second thoughts I was having, they would be ok with, and even support me deciding to walk down the aisle? Part of me wanted them to just tell me what to do. But the other part of me is so thankful that they love me and trust my judgement enough to want me to make that huge decision on my own. All they wanted was for me to be happy.

They have held me when I've cried, given me advice when I've needed it, driven to Augusta just to be there with me during some of my darkest days, sat in the waiting room while I've talked to counselors when I just didn't think I could go alone, listened, comforted, prayed, loved. And dealt with the logistics of un-planning a wedding. I haven't heard a word from my daddy about the money he had already spent on the wedding, except to say that he would rather pay for all my bridesmaids dresses that they aren't going to wear than have me get married to someone and be unhappy. And my mama has made so many phone calls to "un-do" things that I've hardly had to do anything. She covered all the bases, and then some. And the crazy thing is, they haven't been upset with me about doing all of this. They were even glad to do it.

This has all been in the past month and a half. I could go on and on and on about everything else they've done, but it would take a book, or more. I can truly say that I can look at their love for me, their daughter, and compare it to God's love for me, His child. I'm lucky, some people aren't able to look at the way their parents have related to them and make that comparison. But then again, not everyone is lucky enough to have parents like mine :)

So, Happy Father's Day, Daddy, and Happy (Late) Mother's Day, Mama!

Love,

Mallory

Good Song

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley, if You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was, when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to

"If You Want Me To"
Ginny Owens

Guilt

I feel guilty when I feel better. People tell me I shouldn't, but I can't help it. For the past month (or more), I have been wondering if I was EVER going to feel better, happy, joyful, etc again. And over the past week or so, when I have caught glimpses of feeling better, I feel guilty about it, and go back to feeling bad again. I just feel like I have hurt him so badly that I don't deserve to be happy, that I should pay for it by feeling miserable. And seeing his facebook status that he "wants to crawl in a hole and die" certainly doesn't help. And those I haven't hurt, I've made angry. I know if a girl had done this to my brother, I would be angry at her for hurting him. And those I haven't hurt, I've disappointed. There was supposed to be a wedding on August 29. And those I haven't disppointed, I've inconvenienced. People have made plans, spent money, bought gifts, reserved dates, and on and on and on. So, I feel like since I have caused so much pain, anger, disappointment, and inconvenience, I should feel guilty and I shouldn't be happy. I've caused suffering, so I should suffer too.

I was talking to a (Christian) friend today who was asking me how I was feeling. I told her about feeling guilty for feeling better. She immediately and very confidently told me that was the devil. I was a little taken aback because her response was so sudden, but after thinking about it, I agree with her. She said that feeling guilty is from the devil, because I prayerfully made this choice and feel like it was the right thing to do, so of course, the devil is trying to make me feel bad and guilty about this decision. That's what he does, right? She went on to say that that should be more affirmation that I did the right thing, because if I had made the WRONG choice by getting married, the devil would be happy because that's what he wanted (to be out of God's will) and he wouldn't have to make me feel guilty. I can't explain it as well as she did, but it gave me a different perspective on these guilty feelings I've been having.

From the words of Jesus...."Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." Matthew 16:23

Undone

So many things have to be undone. It makes me feel sick to think about it.

Wedding and reception locations to cancel.
Officiants and musicians to cancel.
Caterers to cancel.
D.J. to cancel.
Gifts to return.
Registries to cancel.

Some things can't be undone.

My bridesmaids have already paid for their dresses, and can't get their money back.
We've already paid a 50% non-refundable deposit on the photographer.
My Mama has spent hours and hours making a "model" wedding dress to be sure it was perfect and exactly what I wanted. She just bought the fabric for the real dress.
There have been engagement announcements in 2 newspapers.
We've already had an engagement party and a couples shower.
There was a wedding shower planned for today, and invitations had already been sent out.

People have been so kind to offer to help me (I know my Mama and best friend would do WHATEVER I asked them to, and I am so thankful for that), and not to worry about any of it, but I feel like I should have to do it. I made this decision, now I should have to pay the consequences. I just can't seem to muster up the courage or energy to do it. Some days just getting out of bed in the morning seems like an overwhelming task.

In the midst of all of this undoing, I feel like I'm coming undone, and I'm not sure how to put myself back together.

Life

This isn't how I planned it. This is not where I wanted to be at 24 years old. Almost done with school...yes. Thinking about finding a real job...yes. A broken engagement...not so much. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I thought writing about it may help, since talking isn't my strong point. Just ask my Mama :)