Monday, October 5, 2009


I still dream about it. Last night, it was the day of the wedding. Guests were already arriving at the church. I was in my wedding dress. I was a wreck. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. There was no happiness, no joy, on this wedding day. Not the way it should be. I finally broke down and told my Daddy that I couldn't do it, that I didn't want to get married, that I didn't want to do the wrong thing. He immediately said that was alright, and we should go announce to the people in the church that there wouldn't be a wedding. I was relieved, but sad and upset that that was happening, that I had caused it. I was crying, wishing it was just a dream. And I woke up this morning, and it was just a dream.

Only, really it wasn't a dream. It happened. Not exactly like that, not that close to the wedding, but still, it happened.

And I still grieve over it. I still hurt for hurting others. I still ache for the pain I caused him. I am still embarrassed that I planned a wedding then called it off. I am still sorry that my parents had to deal with undoing everything that I had done. I am still grateful that my parents supported me. I am still thankful for my friends who helped me through rough times.

And I still dream about it. And I wish I didn't.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Mallory, I am so sorry that you still suffer from this. It brings tears to my eyes. Its all over. Its in the past. Let's just move forward and don't worry about that any more! I love you! You did the right thing!