Dreams

I still dream about it. Last night, it was the day of the wedding. Guests were already arriving at the church. I was in my wedding dress. I was a wreck. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. There was no happiness, no joy, on this wedding day. Not the way it should be. I finally broke down and told my Daddy that I couldn't do it, that I didn't want to get married, that I didn't want to do the wrong thing. He immediately said that was alright, and we should go announce to the people in the church that there wouldn't be a wedding. I was relieved, but sad and upset that that was happening, that I had caused it. I was crying, wishing it was just a dream. And I woke up this morning, and it was just a dream.

Only, really it wasn't a dream. It happened. Not exactly like that, not that close to the wedding, but still, it happened.

And I still grieve over it. I still hurt for hurting others. I still ache for the pain I caused him. I am still embarrassed that I planned a wedding then called it off. I am still sorry that my parents had to deal with undoing everything that I had done. I am still grateful that my parents supported me. I am still thankful for my friends who helped me through rough times.

And I still dream about it. And I wish I didn't.